Two Party Opera

Started the War of 1812. Then the British burned down the White House.

The Monroe Doctrine: you stay on your side and we’ll stay on our side.

Spoke nine languages and was just as antisocial in each one.

His hatred towards Native Americans and his love for gold made the Trail of Tears a win-win.

The first president officially born in the United States of America. Spoke Dutch.

Too stubborn to wear a coat to his inauguration. Tippecanoe!

…And Tyler too! Completely opposed his own party. Only President to side with the Confederacy.

For better or for worse, the only president to accomplish all of his campaign promises. “54 40 or fight!”

Never wanted to become President, so the Universe granted his wish a year later.

The last Whig to be President, finally doing away with the silly notion that Congress should hold any real power.

After a train accident killed his son, he spent the entire term of his Presidency mourning instead of leading.

Decided the best way to govern was to keep the peace by just simply letting things spiral out of control.

Kept the Union together, after the very act of him being elected blew it apart.

Honored his fallen predecessor the only way he knew how, by undoing all of Lincoln’s accomplishments one by one.

In an effort to one-up winning the Civil War, Grant got pretty good at crushing the Ku Klux Klan.

After months of contested voting results, elected in a series of back-room deals. Democracy!

Shot in the chest and died from 19th century medical practices because he didn’t want to give a madman a job.

Product of political corruption but broke all ties to past cronies once in office.

Married Frances Folsom during his first term, who promised to be back in four years after losing re-election.

Nicknamed “The Human Iceberg” for his chilly persona, as opposed to his grandfather, who was just chilly.

Always known for honesty, The Clevelands are back! Only president to serve two non-consecutive terms.

Allowed media tycoons to declare war on Spain so they could sell more newspapers.

A man. A plan. A canal. In the arena. The very definition of the rugged individualist American.

Only one to use the Presidency as a stepping stone to his true dream job: Supreme Court Justice.

Thought two things: we would stay out of World War I and that the south would rise again. Both were wrong.

A flirt. A crook. A drunk. “I am not fit for this office and never should have been here.”

A dry wit but spoke little, a woman once made a bet she could get three words out of him. He replied “you lose.”

“A chicken in every pot and a car in every garage!” Just kidding – economic depression for everybody!

“Happy Days Are Here Again!” Made America win so much we got tired of winning.

Went from being elected Vice President to using the first nuclear weapon in less than seven months.

Spoke out about the dangers of the “military-industrial complex” and we laughed and laughed and…

He chose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other thing.

Took a short vacation from being a life-long racist to sign the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Shakespearean-level paranoia. Accomplished some good but you only care about Watergate so fine.

Appointed Vice President. President by vacancy. Only one to hold the office without being elected in any way.

Spent decades making up for a flawed presidency by building houses for every single person in the world.

Jelly-bean eatin’, Gipper winnin’, economic down-tricklin’, Irani weapon-sellin’, President movie-star cowboy.

Saw the end of the Soviet Union and then we decided we didn’t need him anymore.

Called the first black President after we gave up all hope of there ever being a real one.

Gave us eight years of “funny Bush-isms” to distract us from invading the wrong country to impress Daddy.

YES WE CAN (mileage may vary).

Killed 400,000 Americans, incited insurrection to stay in power, remade 1/3 of the Supreme Court in his image. A human dog-whistle.

Likes: Randomly quoting Irish poets. Dislikes: All this malarkey.